March 29, 2012

Right Now

 (Image via Note to Self)

I've thought for weeks about how to write this post and, honestly, I still haven't come up with any great ideas. So, here I am writing with hopes that I can find the right words to express what's on my heart.

I've never used this blog as a place to reveal deeply personal information or emotional pieces of my life. What you've seen over the past two and a half years, though, has been completely real, and completely happy. I've never wanted to be someone I'm not on this blog, and when I felt like I couldn't give all that I wanted to, I took a break. And when I reached a point that I simply couldn't communicate my feelings at all, I made the blog private.

My point is this - real people write the blogs that we read everyday. People experience sadness, hurt, joy, happiness, love, respect, and disrespect - even if that's not what is written in their daily posts. For me, it's impossible to "fake it" anywhere in my life, my blog is no different. And right now, I'm dealing with one of the most disheartening experiences I ever imagined happening.

I am no longer engaged.

My world, in the blink of an eye, has spun completely out of control and become something that, at times, I don't even recognize. Who am I? Where do I go from here? How do I get through this? Who do I talk to about it? Will I ever be the same again? Right now, the answers to those questions are just as cloudy as the questions themselves.

I've had time since everything actually happened to gain some understanding of the situation. That was my goal before sitting down and writing about it. My heart is broken. I've cried more tears than I thought one person could. I've felt every emotion possible. However, through all the questions and ups and downs and uncertainties, I do feel myself (slowly) getting stronger and becoming "normal" again.

Through it all, I've had the most amazing support group any girl could ask for- friends who have let me cry, let me talk for (literally) hours (often saying the same things over and over), let me feel whatever I wanted or needed to feel at the time. They were also the friends that forced me to face certain parts of this experience that I didn't want to- addressing and accepting things that were necessary for the healing process to even begin.

I just started listening to music again. There are certain places that I still can't visit because the memories are too much right now. The moments of sadness come at the most unexpected times- always without warning. While I know it isn't true, I feel as though I'll never be the same again- maybe that's a good thing, though? My heart is empty, and I truly want nothing more than to find something to fill that hole. Until then, this is going to be a healing process unlike any other. I've had to pick up and carry on with life. The happiness you see, for right now, isn't completely genuine, but I'm giving it everything I've got. It's just my attempt to push through the mess, push through the hurt and disappointment and be me again.

Hopefully, this is the beginning of something new and more wonderful than I could've ever imagined. Really, it can only go up, up, up from here.